What if Medical School was a Religion?

Medical school is not a religion. Sure it takes over one’s life, colors one’s perception of the world, and makes for uncomfortable dinner conversation, but it’s not a religion. That being said, it is definitely like a religion. For instance:

 

First Aid

This is your bible. I mean that because it is the book that will guide your studying, which for a period of time is your life. In the stressed and uncertain times of learning medicine from scratch, this book will show you the way to a good STEP score, and with it an iota of mental peace. You will memorize this book better than most religious scholars know their religious texts,and its pages will serve as the foundation of much of your lifelong knowledge after you’ve read it.

 

Hospital

This is your church. For the religiously inclined, there is a reasonable chance you will find yourself praying here at one point of your life. For everyone, it is the pinnacle of medicine. Within it’s hallowed halls you will think thoughts and wield powers you won’t anywhere else. Coincidentally, this place will supercede many religious holidays (Emergencies don’t wait for Christmas presents L). Unfortunately, this churches Sabbath can sometimes consist of night shifts.

 

Coffee

You will drink this productivity inducing nectar religiously.

 

Study Desk

This is your pew. This is where you will learn the sacred medical words. Amalgams of pre-fixes, suffixes derived from Latin and Greek along with the names of various random guys who discovered things. You will memorize words like Osteitis Fibrosis Cystica, Pseudohypoparathyroidism, Pagets disease (… no, the other pagets disease). Also, say a bunch of medical jargon and tell me it doesn’t sound like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HX_bjODugDQ

 

Atul Gawande

The patron saint of becoming a successful doctor while pursuing one’s passion of writing good books, and giving respectable and accurate medical advice to all.

 

Dr. Oz

The universally likable, double Ivy League graduating thoracic surgeon who fell from grace. A doctor who once knew the ins and outs of the Krebs cycle, cardiology, and the tenets of evidence based medicine now saying things like “this pill (with unsubstantiated claims of efficacy) is magic”, “ buy this (most likely useless, possibly dangerous) new drug” or “ I would give my family this drug (because it probably has no clinically significant effect anyway)”.

 

STEP 1 Studying= Ramadan/ Lent

What good religion doesn’t have a period of sacrifice? Does giving up something you like for 40 days or more ring a bell? (i.e. your social life/hygiene/sanity…) Does doing something up from sun-up to sun-down sound just a little bit familiar? Ya, just like religion, medicine takes a bit of somewhat tangential sacrifice to make it to the promised land. I mean, do all American doctors really need to know the molecular characteristics of Ebola?

 

Becoming an Attending= Heaven, Nirvana

That time every medical student dreams about where one gets to save lives as a respected member of society, in control of their own life and most of all, not indebted to the government. Unfortunately, just like Heaven and Nirvana, nobody knows if this Promised Land really exists. However, that doesn’t stop the legions of would-be followers from applying every year.

Thanks to Medical School my status with “people” has gone from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated”…

8 Actual Medical Reasons That Will Kill Game of Thrones Characters

If there is one thing any Game of Thrones fan knows, it is to not get too attached to any character on the show. For some reason George R.R. Martin gets his kicks from killing any character the audience holds close or dear, repeatedly and unexpectedly, so it can be hard to be a fan. Recently, I was thinking about his talent for destroying fictional characters I like, and I thought to myself, “why can’t I do that?” As a medical student, I quite literally spend my entire day learning of the myriad of ways that people die. It doesn’t look so hard: One enzyme here, one substance there, genetics, bad lifestyle, bam – dead. Because of this, I decided I would beat George R.R. Martin at his own game and kill his fictional characters by plausible means.

1. Jon Snow- Hypothermia

I simply have no idea how this guy walks around the cold lands without getting frostbite. I get it, he wears a ton of Bear fur, however, even bears hibernate in the winter because living in the cold sucks. Moreover, looking at the landscape, the cold he experiences isn’t just Michigan “Golly gee it’s cold”, it’s Russia, “My tears are freezing to my face!” cold.  Forget about “wildlings”, this guy is one poorly timed nap away from getting killed.

2. Jaime Lannister- Sepsis

Spoiler alert:

In one episode, Jamie Lannister gets his hand cut off and is then given the most rudimentary medical treatment (e.g. dirty cotton and rope) and boom, he’s good. That’s absurd. Even after the guy survives the shock of losing his hand, this guy’s stump of an arm is just a step away from a petri dish in terms of its ability to grow bacteria. This only gets worse as it becomes clear that nobody is changing his dressings, as the cotton that surrounds his hand gets progressively browner, and as he is repeatedly shoved in the mud. How he hasn’t died, much less had the rest of his arm succumb to gangrene, is about as believable as dragons.

3. Samwell Tarly- CHF

If this guy gets pain in his chest that radiates down his left arm, I told you so.

4. Tyrion Lannister- Liver failure and/or Syphillis

Ah yes, the debutante with a heart of gold. Unfortunately, drinking obscene amounts of alcohol while having unprotected sex with a variety of prostitutes in multiple towns is a recipe for disaster. The fact that he is not as yellow as an oompa-loompa while losing his vibratory senses is beyond me. Hopefully magic is as effective as penicillin or else he’s a goner (penicillicus G!… wait, wrong universe).

5. Tywin Lannister- Prostate Cancer

Tywin needs to take some time off from leading armies, shadow controlling the kingdom, and being a general bosshog, and get himself a prostate exam. He’s not the spry old man he used to be. He’s starting to lose his spunk for leading armies to slaughter innocent villagers and conquering other fiefdoms. I’m just saying that I wouldn’t be surprised if Tywin Lannister is going to the bathroom for prolonged periods of time in season 4.

6. Theon Greyjoy- … you know why.

7. Daenerys Targaryan- Pregnancy

Surprise. It turns out that for a young, healthy, fertile woman in medieval times, pregnancy was one of the most dangerous things she could do. Let’s not forget her last pregnancy was delivered in a dirty tent in the desert. Infection, hemorrhage, placenta previa etc.; the list of complications that can occur during this time is massive, and last time I checked none of their treatments include included dragons or witch doctors.

8. Joffrey Barothean- Karma

Okay, okay, karma isn’t actually a disease, and this is obviously outside of my medical expertise, but come on. This kid has it coming.